Tuesday, June 1, 2021
Creating Spaces for Trans Athletes, with Schuyler Bailar
Schuyler Bailar is a self-confessed “water baby.”
Even as a child, he was always more comfortable in the water. If he stumbles, he jokes it’s because he wasn’t built for the land. Bailar loves the water and has devoted his life to swimming, taking his passion all the way to a spot on the Harvard swim team as the first trans athlete to compete on a men’s NCAA Division I team.
Now, at 24 years old, Bailar has devoted his life to helping youth once like him become comfortable not just in the water, but in their own skin, as well through his work as an inspirational speaker and a respected advocate for inclusion, body-positivity and mental health awareness. It’s a role—and a confidence—he’s grown into throughout his journey.
“It’s a really valuable part of my existence to share with people,” Bailar said. “Not necessarily because I need to, but because the way this world is working right now and the way we’re constantly dismissed and erased by society as trans people, I feel like I have to. I have to talk about it and share about it because I have the privilege of emotional grounding, the privilege of therapy and privilege of articulating myself. All of those are things are privileges—education being one of them—and I want to use that privilege to share myself so other people don’t have to.”
Below, Bailar shares the story of his journey and some simple steps teams can take to help make their teams more inclusive.
Bailar’s Story
Bailar was assigned female at birth. As a child, he presented as what made him feel most comfortable — boyish, more masculine. Bullied for not being a “real boy,” he was also bullied for not being “girl enough.” Bailar said he felt as if he got caught somewhere in between. Using the restroom became a stressful task – would he be thrown for using the “wrong” one?
“After my senior year, I came out as gay,” he said. “If I was a girl who likes girls – maybe that’s what’s different about me?”
Though a 4.0 student, a National Age Group record holder and recruited by all of the schools he wanted to swim at, Bailar was miserable through most of his high school career.
“I felt so sad, lost and disconnected — what does it matter that I’m miserable?” he said.
When he broke his back midway through high school, the one thing keeping Bailar afloat was taken away — swimming. Bailar’s mental health plummeted as he battled depression and an eating disorder. His parents got him a therapist and by the end of his senior year, the therapist suggested a gap year and residential treatment.
“It was the first time and place I was asked to slow down, think about who I was,” he said. “In that pause, I was able to say I was transgender.”
Though the normally expressive kid finally felt relief from being able to vocalize his identity as transgender, how would he present this new part of himself?
As Bailar said, “there’s no ‘gender neutral’ in sports, especially swimming. The gender boxes are very clear.”
In a sport where literally there isn’t much to hide behind, Bailar’s journey was about to be put on a full display. He started using men’s pronouns, wearing men’s clothes and walked into a presentation of his true self.
Having earned a spot on the women’s swim team at Harvard, Bailar found himself at a crossroads. Would he potentially shatter any success he could have had as a female athlete? Bailar was terrified to lose his spot in the sport but decided to be honest with his coach.
“She talked to the men’s coach and he said, ‘Why doesn’t he swim for me?’,” Bailar said. “I thought about the sociopolitical climate of sports and a coach that had never worked with a trans kid before and burst into tears when I was offered the option to swim on the men’s team.”
Eventually Bailar had a mastectomy to remove his breasts and the coaches had him meet with the men’s team to make sure he was making an informed decision.
“It could have been just social — they told people that the scar on my chest was from a shark bite,” Bailar laughed. “No one had any idea what we were doing. The option had become real because they were nice and wanted to try this.”
Bailar recounts the story of his first meet competing as his true self as if it were decades ago, instead of a few years. He was finally competing, as he said, “with no baggage,” just the loss of the swimsuit strap he’d hooked his thumb around for years as he listened to the national anthem before a meet.
“I was afraid I’d have a lot to prove, but this is the same thing I’ve done my whole life,” he said.
“You can hold that difference within in your identity and do what you love. Your identity doesn’t ever have to hold you back from your passions. Be exactly who you are.”
What if I am dealing with issues of identity?
“If you don’t have supportive circle: I always remind kids that regardless of other people who make them feel like they don’t belong, it doesn’t mean they don’t belong,” Bailar said. “They have a place here and will find a place here. I don’t know exactly where ‘here’ is, but there is a place that will love these trans kids wholeheartedly in their full authenticity. It’s also not impossible to find people who will be there with you. Find support. Find people who vibe with them, call them by the right name and pronouns and who get it.”
Some other tips Bailar offered:
Bailar shared his experiences with the USA Swimming staff, as well as with several top companies and organizations to promote inclusivity. He also recommends implicit bias training for administrators.
Below are some of the tips Bailar offered to help make your team more inclusive:
Even as a child, he was always more comfortable in the water. If he stumbles, he jokes it’s because he wasn’t built for the land. Bailar loves the water and has devoted his life to swimming, taking his passion all the way to a spot on the Harvard swim team as the first trans athlete to compete on a men’s NCAA Division I team.
Now, at 24 years old, Bailar has devoted his life to helping youth once like him become comfortable not just in the water, but in their own skin, as well through his work as an inspirational speaker and a respected advocate for inclusion, body-positivity and mental health awareness. It’s a role—and a confidence—he’s grown into throughout his journey.
“It’s a really valuable part of my existence to share with people,” Bailar said. “Not necessarily because I need to, but because the way this world is working right now and the way we’re constantly dismissed and erased by society as trans people, I feel like I have to. I have to talk about it and share about it because I have the privilege of emotional grounding, the privilege of therapy and privilege of articulating myself. All of those are things are privileges—education being one of them—and I want to use that privilege to share myself so other people don’t have to.”
Below, Bailar shares the story of his journey and some simple steps teams can take to help make their teams more inclusive.
Bailar’s Story
Bailar was assigned female at birth. As a child, he presented as what made him feel most comfortable — boyish, more masculine. Bullied for not being a “real boy,” he was also bullied for not being “girl enough.” Bailar said he felt as if he got caught somewhere in between. Using the restroom became a stressful task – would he be thrown for using the “wrong” one?
“After my senior year, I came out as gay,” he said. “If I was a girl who likes girls – maybe that’s what’s different about me?”
Though a 4.0 student, a National Age Group record holder and recruited by all of the schools he wanted to swim at, Bailar was miserable through most of his high school career.
“I felt so sad, lost and disconnected — what does it matter that I’m miserable?” he said.
When he broke his back midway through high school, the one thing keeping Bailar afloat was taken away — swimming. Bailar’s mental health plummeted as he battled depression and an eating disorder. His parents got him a therapist and by the end of his senior year, the therapist suggested a gap year and residential treatment.
“It was the first time and place I was asked to slow down, think about who I was,” he said. “In that pause, I was able to say I was transgender.”
Though the normally expressive kid finally felt relief from being able to vocalize his identity as transgender, how would he present this new part of himself?
As Bailar said, “there’s no ‘gender neutral’ in sports, especially swimming. The gender boxes are very clear.”
In a sport where literally there isn’t much to hide behind, Bailar’s journey was about to be put on a full display. He started using men’s pronouns, wearing men’s clothes and walked into a presentation of his true self.
Having earned a spot on the women’s swim team at Harvard, Bailar found himself at a crossroads. Would he potentially shatter any success he could have had as a female athlete? Bailar was terrified to lose his spot in the sport but decided to be honest with his coach.
“She talked to the men’s coach and he said, ‘Why doesn’t he swim for me?’,” Bailar said. “I thought about the sociopolitical climate of sports and a coach that had never worked with a trans kid before and burst into tears when I was offered the option to swim on the men’s team.”
Eventually Bailar had a mastectomy to remove his breasts and the coaches had him meet with the men’s team to make sure he was making an informed decision.
“It could have been just social — they told people that the scar on my chest was from a shark bite,” Bailar laughed. “No one had any idea what we were doing. The option had become real because they were nice and wanted to try this.”
Bailar recounts the story of his first meet competing as his true self as if it were decades ago, instead of a few years. He was finally competing, as he said, “with no baggage,” just the loss of the swimsuit strap he’d hooked his thumb around for years as he listened to the national anthem before a meet.
“I was afraid I’d have a lot to prove, but this is the same thing I’ve done my whole life,” he said.
“You can hold that difference within in your identity and do what you love. Your identity doesn’t ever have to hold you back from your passions. Be exactly who you are.”
What if I am dealing with issues of identity?
“If you don’t have supportive circle: I always remind kids that regardless of other people who make them feel like they don’t belong, it doesn’t mean they don’t belong,” Bailar said. “They have a place here and will find a place here. I don’t know exactly where ‘here’ is, but there is a place that will love these trans kids wholeheartedly in their full authenticity. It’s also not impossible to find people who will be there with you. Find support. Find people who vibe with them, call them by the right name and pronouns and who get it.”
Some other tips Bailar offered:
- Look up hashtags or attend a trans or LGBTQ support group. Bailar offers trans support groups on his website, www.pinkmantaray.com.
- If you are struggling and don’t reach out for help, you’ll be stuck. You don’t have to know what to do to know that you’re struggling. Ask for help.
Bailar shared his experiences with the USA Swimming staff, as well as with several top companies and organizations to promote inclusivity. He also recommends implicit bias training for administrators.
Below are some of the tips Bailar offered to help make your team more inclusive:
- Expect that most people do not want to answer questions about their gender identity or prove their identity to you. People don’t have to present in a certain way. Gender expression does not necessarily equal gender identity.
- Realize you don’t have to know everything. Most people have good intentions and hearts, they just don’t know what to do. If someone comes out to you, be accepting, affirming, say kind things. Say we’ll figure it out what to do with sport. There’s nothing you really have to do – just be a kind human when someone comes out. This kid is telling you something important. Be there for them and figure it out together. After that, go look for resources.
- Be affirming of ANY IDENTITY. If a kid tells you something that’s hard or difficult to them, be kind and affirming. It’s important to remind kids of this because they may not have the supportive families, teammates or friends and they feel very alone.
- Introduce yourself with pronouns. It’s an easy way to be an ally and normalizes identifying those pronouns, as well as creates a safe space for trans/non-conforming people. If you don’t know what pronouns to use, ask “What pronouns do you use?” Use the gendered pronouns the person identifies with and correct people when they use incorrect pronouns.
- Simply not being bigoted or racist isn’t enough – you have to call out those behaviors within your athletes and spaces. Don’t stay silent – silence teaches hatred sometimes more than active hatred. Every time a kid uses a slur, or someone gets made fun of and the coach doesn’t say something, it teaches every kid that that is okay, and the kid being bullied that they’re not enough to be stood up for. The coach does not have to know everything, but it’s easy to spot when someone is being bullied. There doesn’t have to be a million explanations, just that this sort of behavior will not be tolerated here.
- Don’t click on just any Google search return. There’s so much sensationalism around transgender experiences, so places online have harmful and unkind motives. Bailar said it’s best to learn directly from people who are trans. He went through Instagram as he started to educate himself and recommends other people do the same as you can see and hear the direct words from trans people who are often educating others by pushing them to helpful resources. PFLAG is also a national support network for LGBTQ people and parents. It can be helpful to be in a community of people looking for answers.
- Listen to trans people. Read things they’ve already recommended, read their posts – there are plenty of people who live out in the open and you don’t have to say a word. You can just read. As allies, one of the most important things you can do is listen well. Listen actively. Listen with intention, but also listen with reminding yourself to give agency to the person talking – they are the expert on their experience – “This is your experience and I’m going to listen wholeheartedly because I don’t know what to think.”